I have been trans for so long that I had almost forgotten the paralyzing fear that stricken you when you decide to live this life and tell the people around you. That moment of coming out not only to tell that you are gender non-conforming but you are about to live as the opposite sex is a terrifying moment for many reasons. From your infancy to your young adulthood, the family you have is so important. They feed you, console you when you are scared, laugh at your childhood silliness, and keep a roof over you head. Some of us have the stereotypical 2-parent mother/father family unit. Many of us have variation of that: mother/ grandmother , father/ aunt, mother/step dad, dad/aunt, etc. Regardless of the variation, this unit is your whole world. You learn from a young age that there are certain expectation of you. Like an invisible checklist of your life, those expectations are projected on you. If you born, a girl they want you to be pretty, wholesome, bright. They want you to grow up and be woman, get an education, and good husband, then support ya husband and raised your family. If you’re a boy, they have a dream of you being tough, playing some sports, and get an education. They expect you to grow as a young man and find a wife (after much sexual conquering of course), then work take care of your wife and family. As a child you sense these expectation early on. Actually, satisfying your parent/guardian is quite enjoyable. You get rewarded and affection for meeting these expectation. As you get older though, your wants start to conflict with their expectation. Sometime this conflict is minor like : My dad want me to play football like he did but I want to play baseball. Some of the conflict are a little more complicated like: My mom wants me to wait to get married to my boyfriend and go to UCLA but I want to get married my boyfriend now because I am pregnant. Some conflicts and just down right devastating like: Parent want me to be my birth gender but I want to be what I feel and that not my birth gender. That’s kind of conflict turns that invisible checklist upside down, shakes it, flips it over and erase everything on it like an etch and sketch.
Facing that conflict is hard. Some transgender people do not face it at all. They run away to transition and never see their families again. Some stay and never transition harboring resentment toward themselves or the family for their regret. For the ones that have the courage to face it, the moment of reveal is scary. Stomach cramps, sweaty palms, tensions are all things that come in that moment. Let me not forget the millions of thoughts and what if’s, oh no I can not forget those. Am I going to be pretty enough? Will they cry? Oh lord I don’t want then to cry. Will they hit me? I can not do this, I ca not believe doing this. I should turn around. What if they cuss or/and kick me out?Fuck it, I don’t care. Or do I care? They should love me unconditionally. Where will I go? Will they still love me? All this in a matter of a minute. Then the moment passes. Nine times out of ten, what we expect to happen almost NEVER happens. Even if the outcome is negative, it is usually(emphasis on usually) not as dramatic as we imagine.
This life is not for the heartless or weak. This life is about living and dying who you are at all cost. Sometime that cost is high. What you can lost, can also be gain elsewhere. Lose a mom, find a drag mother. Lose a dad, find an accepting mentor. Lose a brother ,find an accepting best friend. You can replace a new family unit but you can not replace the time lost living a life that is not you. I rather be hated for who I really am ….than love for who i am not!
I really enjoyed both the written text and the video of this post, but am confused as to how they match; the first dealing with disclosure to one’s primary family unit, while the latter revolves around the lengths another person’s family deals with their insistent denial that their offspring may be involved with a gender non-conforming person (or indeed be a participant in the LGBT community). These two concepts, while indeed relevent, aren’t quite the same thing…
I was prepared to share my story about my trans status revelation to my folks (and the results), but the video has me puzzled as to whether this is the post on which to share that…although I feel it could be a benefit to another trans “on the fence” about that sort of disclosure….
BUT the scenario you depict in the video is a real hoot, and makes me “SMDH”! LOL
Thanks Cheryl for the feed back and you are right about the post. Although both are relavent to the trans experience, they were not relevant to each other…two separate non related scenarios sharing one post space on the internet on a transgender-based blog…My strategies on my own marketing is not 100% gear toward transgender individuals. I dont like preaching always to the choir. One of my strategies is when someone finds my blog, they get a nice read about one trans issue…and then they are lead from that issue to another by attaching another form of multi media….i.e. a video. The video that was initially posted was not the video you see…the girl deleted it…i just hadnt adjusted the text to reflect the updated video.
Reblogged this on Diamond Stylz.
I really feel in love with this post because this explains exactly how I feel. Facing my own realization of who am I scares the shit out of me, but allowing other people to see who I am is even more terrifying. For so many years I’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to live up to the “The Great Expectations” of others while trying to be who I am inside. Around 16 years of age I finally came to the full understanding of my sexuality, oh what a bitter sweet moment that was. This too was around the same time I tried to escape from myself. Around 18 years of age I decided I am what I am and I refuse to change it. So at age 18 I decided that I would come out of the closet. Now, to present day, I am 23years old and I am having yet another conflict in my life dealing with my sexuality. This time the conflict lies between Feminine Vs. Masculine. I feel as if I must portray a more masculine often Trade-esque persona about myself to be fully accepted by my family. Deep down inside I know that’s not who I am nor is it who I want to be. I am a little half and half but most days I feel like my feminine half is more pron to show. But living with my parents I know that I have to conform to what the expect of me. So yeah. Thanks for this post.
I wouldnt think of it as masculine and femminine. i would just think of it as You being you. For example. i am transsexual living my life as a woman. there are some thing i do that some people would say are masculine…like playin video games, being aggressive sometimes, or not being as tidy around the house. but guess what MY MOM who i know is a woman has those same traits….so masculine and femminie is the same …they vary from eprson to person. Just be yourself.