I have been trans for so long that I had almost forgotten the paralyzing fear that stricken you when you decide to live this life and tell the people around you. That moment of coming out not only to tell that you are gender non-conforming but you are about to live as the opposite sex is a terrifying moment for many reasons. From your infancy to your young adulthood, the family you have is so important. They feed you, console you when you are scared, laugh at your childhood silliness, and keep a roof over you head. Some of us have the stereotypical 2-parent mother/father family unit. Many of us have variation of that: mother/ grandmother , father/ aunt, mother/step dad, dad/aunt, etc. Regardless of the variation, this unit is your whole world. You learn from a young age that there are certain expectation of you. Like an invisible checklist of your life, those expectations are projected on you. If you born, a girl they want you to be pretty, wholesome, bright. They want you to grow up and be woman, get an education, and good husband, then support ya husband and raised your family. If you’re a boy, they have a dream of you being tough, playing some sports, and get an education. They expect you to grow as a young man and find a wife (after much sexual conquering of course), then work take care of your wife and family. As a child you sense these expectation early on. Actually, satisfying your parent/guardian is quite enjoyable. You get rewarded and affection for meeting these expectation. As you get older though, your wants start to conflict with their expectation. Sometime this conflict is minor like : My dad want me to play football like he did but I want to play baseball. Some of the conflict are a little more complicated like: My mom wants me to wait to get married to my boyfriend and go to UCLA but I want to get married my boyfriend now because I am pregnant. Some conflicts and just down right devastating like: Parent want me to be my birth gender but I want to be what I feel and that not my birth gender. That’s kind of conflict turns that invisible checklist upside down, shakes it, flips it over and erase everything on it like an etch and sketch.
Facing that conflict is hard. Some transgender people do not face it at all. They run away to transition and never see their families again. Some stay and never transition harboring resentment toward themselves or the family for their regret. For the ones that have the courage to face it, the moment of reveal is scary. Stomach cramps, sweaty palms, tensions are all things that come in that moment. Let me not forget the millions of thoughts and what if’s, oh no I can not forget those. Am I going to be pretty enough? Will they cry? Oh lord I don’t want then to cry. Will they hit me? I can not do this, I ca not believe doing this. I should turn around. What if they cuss or/and kick me out?Fuck it, I don’t care. Or do I care? They should love me unconditionally. Where will I go? Will they still love me? All this in a matter of a minute. Then the moment passes. Nine times out of ten, what we expect to happen almost NEVER happens. Even if the outcome is negative, it is usually(emphasis on usually) not as dramatic as we imagine.
This life is not for the heartless or weak. This life is about living and dying who you are at all cost. Sometime that cost is high. What you can lost, can also be gain elsewhere. Lose a mom, find a drag mother. Lose a dad, find an accepting mentor. Lose a brother ,find an accepting best friend. You can replace a new family unit but you can not replace the time lost living a life that is not you. I rather be hated for who I really am ….than love for who i am not!