Diamond Stylz

A lot of people are up in arms about the lack of reaction to Chris Brown revealing his molestation in an interview with the Guardian. I understand why but I dont understand why people are acting surprised. The stereotypical image of a rapist/molester is some big adult male over powering a small helpless female…..In Chris Brown’s case, it was a teen female molesting a 8 year old boy.  The social narrative is that men should be uber masculine and want and be willing to get pussy regardless of age. Now think about this: Do we really think of these female teachers having sex with their students as disgusting vile monster molesting lil boys. Some maybe.. but definitely not all. There is a weird twisted image of these women, especially from men, that these teachers are hot horny sexual freaks and the male students are lucky to be in that positions to be use sexual. You hear or see one say “Damn why were none of these teachers at my school” Does it surprise you that Chris Brown made this molestation something to be proud of?  It actual make sense for him to make this positive. If he didnt, It would make him seemingly less of a heterosexual and less masculine. It make sense that he would say the molestation was a great thing that made him “a sexual beast” instead of equating the molestation to his obvious mental issues and how he treats women. This type of pressure on males about sex and sexual standards of men is apparent within interaction within the world from a young age. Sexual rules and imagery on TV, in the home, and at school is full of what a boy is suppose to do, what a boy is to act like and vice versa for girls. All of these rules transfer to sex.

I remember my mom jokingly saying that she was gonna pay a prostitute to fuck me. This reoccurring joke started when I was young like 8 or 9. I started as a obviously joke…but as the years went on, the joke turn more and more to a serious tone and less of a joke. At 12, in a bathroom, apparently after she had  an “is he gay” convo with Granddad about me, my drunk mom busts in the bathroom mid-stream of urine to asks me “Are you gay? Have you ever had some pussy?” I jerk to cover my privates  say “Um no and Nooooo” I   look down in the shame and awkwardness of the moment. I THOUGHT that I was being caught sitting down peeing but instead, unfortunately, I was being bombarded with a sex talk by my mom while on the toilet. She respond with “Well I would love you anyway if you were gay” (Keep in mind that my mom has verbally gay bashed homosexuals behind closed doors all my life. She claimed that was the reason I never met my dad until I was 12 because he was gay). So of course I knew that the preface of  “I would love you anyway” was just like a cover statement that a mom just has to give…Heaven forbid a mother not show or seem to show unconditional love. Life has taught me that love is ALWAYS conditional. As I continue to pee and she didnt notice I was sittin peeing, she continue to tell me if i wanted some pussy she would pay somebody to fuck me. Talking about sex with your mom is awkward enough but the idea of your own mom finding and paying a random prostitute to fuck you made that awkwardness even more twisted and otherworldly. I took this moment to tell my mom that i was not gay but I was trans for the very first time. I much rather have that conversation than the paying-a-whore-for-some-puss convo. My point in bring this up is I cant imagine this conversation even being had if I was a natal born girl. She wouldn’t want me to be even having sex at 12 and definitely wouldn’t pay a guy to fuck me. So why would this conversation be appropriate for a boy child? I have heard similair sex conversation being had with male children. They give them permission almost to be overly sexual and on the prowl.

Parents , especially moms, dont watch or worry about their kids around women when preventing molestation. They are are too busy worried about men. Babysitter are almost always teen girls. My 13 year old babysitter use to suck my dick  every time she came over. She would bring her sisters, who were my age, and put us in sexual positions, naked then have us act out sex. no actually penetration. One of them shitted on my peen….my first painting…. :(…..I was like “Ewwww some booboo is on my peepee” ..All the babysitter did was run to the bathroom get some tissues …wipe my peen off and say it will be ok and ushered me to continue this fake fucking of her little sister in doggystyle . My female cousin who was 3 years older than me use to put me under the covers and show me her cat box. She would touch herself. She would never touch me. I would look at it curiously because it was pretty interesting to see vaginas at this age especially since I only had seen other boys privates.  Now that we are older. That cousin acts like she doesn’t even remember any of this happening. I do. My best friend’s 12 years old sister would make me and him play hide and seek. By her request, she and I would always have to be the first to hide while he counted to 100.  A feat that was very hard for him to do since he was 7.. During his long counting struggle, she would push me down on my knees and rub her pussy on my face in the closet, bathroom, basement or what ever dark place she could pull me in. All these incidents were weird, confusing, and uncomfortable. At this age i didnt know how the vagina worked. I didnt know what a clit was. I didnt know what rubbing did to it. I didnt know what the babysitter was getting out of seeing us do this stuff. I didnt know what my cousin was showing me her split for and rubbing it. I didnt know what pleasure my friend sister got out of rubbing her Brillo pad-like pussy on my face. I just didnt know  There were never adult men in my life doing anything sexual to me until way later in my teens… Although the narrative was that on tv and in questions from concerned adults. When i was acting too femme for them…they always ask me were the adult males doing something to me…were they touch me in my private parts…(whichever adult male that was:uncle, stepdad etc) never was the females or female peers questioned. i would say ” No, They weren’t doing anything to me” because that was the truth. The men were not.

I cant help but to notice how Chris Brown spun this molestation mentally into something positive. He eluded to this giving him the foundation to be the self proclaimed sexual beast he is today. Society say to men getting pussy as soon, whether its illegal or not,  as possible is NEVER the cause of problems. Its a powerful badge of honor. The more you get it the better.  I really can see how easy it is to think of it as positive because no one is painfully penetrating you and  you may even orgasm. How could this be bad?  the images of a female or male child being molested are always painful and full of powerlessness. When I think of the 8 year old Chris Brown being molested by a 14 year old. I dont think of pain or powerlessness. I think of a smiling lil 8 year old enjoy the tickling feeling this girl is giving him especially since he talks about it like it was a great learning experience for his future sexual conquest. Within the feminine spectrum of society, this narrative is a little different. The stereotypical images of molestation or rape are more painful and full of powerlessness.  If its a girl, this molestation is eluded to be the root cause of any bad behavior, promiscuity, dating abusers, unplanned pregnancies, addictions and other delinquency in her adult life. If it a gay boy, this molestation causes all of the above and most of all his gayness. We all know gayness is the worst sin in the history of sin….nothing gets worst than that…let the fundaMENTAL Christians tell it. So girls and gay boys internalize this shameful and negative narrative. They spend there lives trying to fix, heal, justify, explain  how it plays out in there lives. While the Chris Browns of the worlds thinks of it as a positive moment in their lives and never make this a negative defining event to plague them for the rest of their lives. How lucky.

This forces me to consider the importance of perspective. Years ago, I would have told you that I was never molested because what I thought molestation was wasnt what I experienced. No one touched me by force or  in a way that hurt me. No man touched me. I was suppose to like when women/girls touched me because I was a boy. This is the way boys are conditioned. There are so many other male based conditionings that we socially, indirectly or directly, implement on male children. They are one of the reason is tress that I am NOT just a regular woman. I am a very SPECIFIC type of woman that has regular similarities to most other women but a different type nonetheless. These conditionings, which is exclusive to my path of womanhood,  I have to accept, evaluate, and consider when establishing the transwomen I am and my perspective in the world.